Amy

Amy,

You know how terrible I am at exercising self-control. You know I can't stop once I start. No one knows me better than you do; no one ever will...

But when it comes to this, I'm surprised at the self-control I'm presently exercising. I'm desperate and dying to bare my heart and soul to you, but boy my brain won't allow my mouth to speak the words my heart formed.

And when words keep piling on without an outlet to let them out it only gets painful. This is my outlet. Hopefully you don't find it; atleast for the time being.

So here's to luxuriating in the warmth which emanates from the said pain.

I love you Amy.

When I feel overwhelmed - and god knows I'm overwhelmed all the time - all I have to do is come in your vicinity. Just look in your eyes; just feel my aura overlap with yours (I know you aren't big on that sort of thing!); just have your arm around my shoulders, just have my hair ruffled by you; just listen to you; I mean it can be anything, just that it has to be you... and I find those overwhelming feelings, that nervousness, that anxiety just disappear. That's your magic Amy. You are my fountain of everlasting peace, serenity and tranquility.

You're passionate about what you do; whatever you do. The conviction and conscientiousness with which you do things is something I have, I do, and I always will look up to, and try my best to emulate. Yes at some point or the other, at the beginning of anything we do, we all feel a bit overwhelmed; me more so than the others. But then just thinking about you, I somehow find the strength to strip the unnecessary baggage, and I also find the strength to focus at the task at hand with devotion. My strength doesn't flow from the food I eat or the muscle or brain I have; Amy, my strength flows from you.

I never stood-up for myself; I still never do. Well why do I have to when my amazing big sister spoiled me so good! I still remember how you broke Rick's teeth when he punched me in the gut for not scoring those ten-odd runs in the final over. I still remember how you verbally thrashed Stephen, Randy and Pamela - the fuckwits from my office - for being condescending conceited pretentious shits. When I was little and shit scared of imaginary silouhettes in the dark - which at that time seemed pretty real - you were the one keeping those monsters at bay. And even when I've grown up, Amy, you still keep the monsters at bay. This time they are my inner demons, and believe me, no monster is scarier than these demons.

I always thought of myself as incomplete, unworthy. But you make me feel complete and worthy. You complete me in ways more than one... I can't imagine myself without you.

You know what's the spelling of 'BEAUTIFUL' for me? Is it B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L? No. It's A-M-Y. You're the most beautiful person ever born; will ever be born unless you reincarnate. If I convert all the land of the seven continents into paper; if I convert all the forests into a pen; if I fill that pen with ink made out of all water sources available; if I combine all the intrinsic intellect of all life on this planet and have it imbibed in me; and then using that intellect, on that paper with that pen I describe your beauty, Amy, still I won't be able to describe how beautiful you actually are.

When your eyes meet mine I want to drown myself in them. Dying by drowning in those eyes of yours would give me a life which a hundred years of being alive never could...

Amy, you make me cum with just your eyes. Amy, there's a grace in your exquisite build. Your scent drives me crazy. Your touch generates electricity enough to power the Mark LXXXV Iron Man armour. Your touch makes me feel heaven. Your smile makes me float in the air. Just by being near you I experience life on scales hitherto undreamt of.

Amy, I love you. That is the most simple and most complex way to describe my feelings. That is the most-easiest and most-toughest thing that I can ever say to you. I love you so selflessly that it's the most selfish thing I've ever done. I love you, I love you more than any brother had any right to ever love his sister. Amy, you were made for me. You are the hottest, brightest, most beautiful, most spectacular, most wonderful and the best-est of the best star of this universe. You were brought on earth for me.

I love you... I'm in love with you... I wish to make love to you... I wish to be with you as your soulmate for howsoever long I live... and I wish to die in your embrace when I do. You're my goddess and I will spend my life worshipping you.

One might think all of this as oh-so-dreamy, oh-so-corny, oh-so-cheesy, so over-the-top, so histrionic. Well then let me tell this, truth is what it is: truth. Truth is just truth and it's not in anyone's control. And this is the truest truth there is. So if it's oh-so-dreamy, oh-so-corny, oh-so-cheesy, so over-the-top, so histrionic, then so be it - I don't care. All I care about is my love for you.

But I fear Amy. And this fear you can't make disappear. I fear making you uncomfortable with my intensity. I fear I'm not good for you. I fear I might ruin what special we have right now while pursuing what we might have. I fear all I am to you is your little brother...

But even if my intense ways wouldn't make you uncomfortable, even if I am the best for you, even if what we might have would be far more deep that what we have now, even if you'd consider me more than just your brother, can I subject you to a life of hiding? Can I subject you to a life so secret? Can I subject you to the wrath of the family? Can I subject you to the wrath of this society? Can I subject you to the wrath of the law? Can I subject you to such conflicts?

When I love you, should I subject you to the agony emanating from the above conflicts? No Amy, no, I shouldn't. I was born to make you happy, and I can achieve that without being so 'selfish'.

That seems like the solution, then what's all this fuss about? Well the mere thought of seeing you with another man saddens me, puts me in despair. I crave so much for you to be happy, but these feelings make me feel like at the end I'm only selfish about my needs. And that saddens me more. Puts me more in despair. Makes me disappointed in myself. And on top of that I'm afraid. I fear about my innate fears, I fear the unknown and my inability to deal with it.

Amy, this is tearing me apart. My uncertainties are killing me. Relieve me of this pain. Kiss it off me...

But then again, you are my source of calm, you are the source of my power, you are my way out when I'm strangled in myself, and I love you. So I'm sure, it won't be long before the imminent influx of those feel-good hormones.

I want to tell you all this, so bad, but I'm not able to. Conversely, I don't want to tell you, but I'm dying to. It's a torture. But, since it's you, it's a delicious torture. It's something I'm looking forward to endure, whilst simultaneously hoping to break out of it.

So, in the end, instead of walking towards the solution, walking away from it, for the time being, seems appropriate.

My feelings for you deepen with every passing second. My faith in our love keeps the hope of us being together alive.

Love always and evermore,

Ash

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